I AM Soul

My intention in sharing these experiences is to gently open hearts and minds — to bring a little more Light, Love, and healing into this world.
In giving Love a voice, I hope these words may serve as inspiration for those who seek, and as a kind of medicine for those in need.

What I offer here are just fragments of a much larger journey. It was intense, and at times deeply overwhelming. But the beauty that emerged from it feels too precious not to be shared.

A Broken Hallelujah
It all began with a broken Hallelujah, the physical death of my second daughter, Ava. Her death marked the beginning of a journey that went beyond my understanding.
Giving birth to her was unlike anything I’ve experienced before. In that moment I entered a state of trance, a powerful tingling sensation swept through my entire body, and everything around me seemed to vanish. I knew, with complete certainty, that I was no longer in my physical body. Instead, I was in the presence of something far greater, something not from this world.

Love & Power Beyond This World
What I could observe in this trance state was an immense golden orb of shimmering Light – a radiant frequency of Love & Power so, so strong that it felt not from this world. I felt the presence of my daughter, Ava, with me in this extraordinary space, and in that moment, I knew: we are connected in a way that transcended time and space.
I also realized that I was in this tunnel people speak about, “the tunnel of life & death”. It felt so real, so vivid. During this experience, I also heard a crystal-clear voice, filled with truth, love, and nourishing words. When I came out of this state, Ava was born, and this voice was confirmed in a way that couldn’t be denied. The entire experience – this profound out-of-this-world moment, including the birth of Ava – lasted less than two hours.

The Pitch Black Darkness & The Brightest Light
Words cannot fully express the extreme paradox I was living at that time. My soul was utterly overwhelmed by this extraordinary frequency of Love & Power, but at the same time, I was devastated by my dear little Ava leaving her tiny body in my arms. I was in shock. I could not speak, and the world around me seemed to fade. Even though people around me noticed how bright I appeared, as if I was fallen from heaven, inside, a terrifying storm of grief, unimaginable heartbreak, and loneliness raged. Tears got literally squeezed out of me and every cell of my body screamed for her.

Finding The Courage To Rise Again
It was only through this experience with such a high frequency of Love & Power, and my first daughter, that I found the courage to get up again. A determination of wanting a deeper understanding of what had happened to me in those sacred little hours with Ava. Yet, I felt completely alone, adrift on a foreign planet, without a helping hand to pull me out of the darkness. I had no idea where to begin. But for sure, an opening to something greater was blossoming within me.
Then, a book came into my life: Awakening the Shaman Within by Marcela Lobos. Despite my initial resistance – due to past negative experiences with shamanism – I eventually decided to read it: ‘alright book, you win…’. The book captivated me, and I found deep recognition in its pages. It was then that I began searching for a shaman – someone as close to source as I could find.

The Shamanic Path And The Return To Spirit
I found a shaman, and through him I got introduced to shamanic breathwork. The practice terrified me at first; the sensations were so familiar, as it took me back into that trance state I had felt in those two precious hours with Ava. Yet, this time, it led me deeper into the spiritual realms, allowing me a doorway to see and receive a higher perspective.
As my sensitivity expanded, so did my connection to a higher power. In the summer of 2022, an unexpected phone call led me to Portugal, a place and environment completely unfamiliar to me. There, my soul’s vibration began to shift, and I started waking up during the night with a subtle tingling sensation all over my body, accompanied by flashes of light when I closed my eyes; knowing my sight was changing. My energy kept expanding and I started to notice more and more coincidences, leading up to auspicious and unstoppable synchronicities; “an ever-present reality for those who have eyes to See”.
It felt as if I was dancing with Spirit in a cosmic interplay. The intensity of this energy led to a Kundalini awakening—a powerful phase where information flooded in, and where I was finding secrets leading me the way. I came to know and feel the truth of the existence of Spirit, an inner knowing confirmed on the mundane plane.
I wasn’t just interpreting signs anymore; I was in direct communication with Spirit. The veil wasn’t thin—it was gone. Or perhaps, it was me.
What touched me most deeply was how personal it all became. The signs, the truths revealed, finding secrets—they were things only Ava could have known. It felt like we had our own language, our own tiny universe still alive between us. And in my heart, I knew: she had been guiding me all along.

RECEIVING THE I AM
Receiving the I AM deeply touched me in another spiritual interplay where tears rolled down my cheeks out of gratitude. It started with a little Portuguese tile with the letter ‘M’, which I bought for my first daughter’s birthday. Holding this little tile in my hands, I thought of wanting one with the letter ‘A’ for Ava. In a split second I received a vision with my own first letter, the ‘I’, and what I could then read: I AM.
Those two simple words carried an infinite depth & truth. The I AM presence—the awareness of our divine essence—is a sacred recognition of who we truly are. In this moment it was not just a concept for me anymore, but a felt experience, an inner knowing of the Self beyond form.
Something so simple, so pure — but my mind could never have come up with it. I knew I had been given a precious gift from Spirit, like the best Love letter from the Universe I could imagine.
This is also how the I AM became the inspiration and guiding essence behind my artistic expression—infusing my paintings with deeper meaning, and giving birth to the name of my website: I AM HOME.

Guiding Me Back Home
There were moments when the intensity of my dance with Spirit—and the sheer perfection of divine orchestration—left me doubting myself. It all felt so vast, so profound. But the small I AM tiles resting on my altar, and Marcela’s book, kept me grounded. Reminders that it didn’t come from a place of fantasy but from truth, real experiences. That book became like a sacred companion—a kind of personal bible. Its pages offered steady guidance and helped me see that I was being gently led through the medicine wheel. With time, I came to understand: Ava wasn’t just my broken hallelujah. She was my greatest awakening. My grandest gift from Spirit.
Even while I was pregnant with her, she always felt like something ethereal—a fairy-like bird. A hummingbird. And now, it feels so beautifully orchestrated also, as if it had been written in the stars: the meaning of her name is birdlike and, in shamanic tradition, the hummingbird represents the North—the direction of the soul’s epic journey. The path of courage, trust, and sacred adventure, guiding me back home.

I wasn’t able to give her life… She gave life to me.

May these words be a light on your path—
a reminder that Love never dies,
and that there is so much more than meets the eye.
We are not alone.
We are guided.
We are eternal.

With so(ul) much gratitude & blessings,

Ilse